The responsibility, the burden, the weight of what I carry is becoming unsustainable, the responsibility of creation, all that I have made it, all that I long for it to be, the weight of my vision troubles and disturbs me, how will it be, how will it seem, what do I think, what does she think, what in fact do I think, is it all a sham, is it nothing but a gaudy box upon which a play will be performed, all grace, glitter and rage, followed by an empty stage littered with the crumpled programme of yesterdays performance. The strife that I contain between my warring selves threatens to disrupt and unbalance me, and I must have balance if I am to continue with where I am going. I must achieve the balance required to master the 6 of wands, to find victory in my audience, to see the torches carried aloft for my homecoming queen.
But for now I am in disagreement with myself, nothing sits as it should and I am tired of the dissonance in my soul. I walk today to challenge this sense of altercation that I find within my heart, to calm the fears, to remedy the ills and to ensure that progress is maintained, for the show must go on. Failure is not an option, not now, not now after all the journeys that I have made, the mountains that I have climbed and the deserts I have crossed. I do not want to stay here, in a place of inactivity and torpor, my hopes squashed between fear and indecision, my vision clouded; I wish to see the sun again, for the clouds to dissipate into a free horizon, to look into the fair face of forever.
I rise from the chair in the hallway of beginnings, and look briefly, up and down the corridor, the tiled floor stretching into the further reaches of the house, the house that I have not yet fully explored. All seems to be the same as when I last looked, and I wonder what part of the house will beckon to me after I have finished this particular work, when I have entered all of the cards that the Thoth has to offer. What then I wonder, what then.
I find myself in the blink of an eye, walking upon the landing, and I stop before the familiar door, rest my hand upon the brass handle and open the portal to The 5 of Wands. Pushing through the blazing yellow silk that hangs in the doorway, I find myself in front of a huge gate, flanked by the enormous winged lions of Xerxes. They stand there, massive figures of protection, and I am unsure whether to be awed or overwhelmed by their presence. They stare hypnotically into the distance, gazing at spans of time that put my mortal self to shame, reminding me of the vastness of time and the paths that weave their convoluted ways through history, leading me this way and that as I seek ever the secrets that hold me in ignorance.
I pass through the gates, and emerge onto a wide and auspicious avenue, flanked upon either side with crowds of people, who appear to be waiting for some kind of performance from me. I stand there in absolute turmoil, my heart beating with anticipation, unsure as to what I am supposed to be doing, unsure of what they want from me. A battle is raging within me, and I look within myself, and I see immediately what the problem is. I reach rather incongruously into my chest, and remove two creatures, two lizards, and I place them on the ground in front of me. I watch them as they immediately start to battle it out; each one convinced that their way is the right way, and the other one must do what this one says. Back and forth the argument swings first one and then the other appearing to get the upper hand, but really neither one able to come out on top. I stand there with the crowd watching me, like some beleaguered mother at a standstill with two squalling toddlers. I stand there and wonder what to do.
Growing tired of the bickering I look at the ground around the lizards, and my eyes dissociate, my vision reaching into the other realms, the layers that lie beneath the comfort of what I can initially see. I find that the seams between the apparently peerless slabs of soft silver limestone rock are rich with flowers, daisies of the usual variety, turning their innocent and trusting faces to the sun….He loves me…. He loves me not….. He loves me…… He loves me not…. Back and forth back and forth…. It is the same as the two lizards!! … and then I remember that Daisy flower essence can help you to stay centred, grounded and in command when circumstances which are out of your control threaten to throw you off balance. Wisdom and healing can come in the most unlikely of places, and I file this piece of valuable information away for further perusal.
I bring my attention back to the lizards, my mind refreshed by the cheerful and sunny faces of the daisies reaching for the sun, and I tell them in no uncertain terms that that they will each have a turn at deciding how it goes, and I carry on walking down the avenue, with the lizards ahead of me where I can keep an eye on them. Finally we reach the place that we seem to be heading for, a kind of raised dais with steps up to it.
I am really not sure what the event is, that we are attending, but the lizards seem very particular, each one having its own very certain ideas about how I should look and how I should behave. I drift off from their arguing again, and look at the crowd. I realise as I look at them dispassionately and without connection, that it actually doesn’t really matter how I look, or in fact how I behave, for most of what they see will be dictated by what they have already decided that they will perceive; what they expect me to be. They will probably have their own preconceived idea of what I am anyway, all they will see is the outer shell, they have no real idea of who I really am. I can be anything they want me to be, and nothing I can do will change that. I bring myself back to the current time layer, and see that the lizards have finally stopped bickering, and are happy with what I look like and the speech that they have prepared. I sit on the chair that waits for me, for what reason, I do not know, and I look out at the crowd, and above their heads. The two lizards, Heart & Ego, sit peacefully in the blazing warmth, and the sky is filled with a riot of gold, which becomes brighter and brighter and brighter, until eventually I am dazzled into blindness by an endless vision of eternal light.
The Five of Wands
Saturn in Leo
Nought to Ten degrees of Leo
The Lord of Strife
Geburrah, Atziluth, Saturn, Leo
My name is Joanna Grant, I am an Astrologer, Tarot Reader and Writer, who lives on the beautiful Beara Peninsula in the South West of Ireland. My long knowledge of Astrology leads and informs my practice in offering guidance and empowerment, helping others to lead a more authentic and magical life. You can read more about me here.
If you would like to be kept updated on my Astrology & Tarot services, upcoming events and courses, please sign up to my mailing list “Sign Posts”. One person a month from my list will be randomly chosen for a free read with the Thoth Tarot worth €50.00.