Death is the only certainty in life, but within that life, we experience many deaths, death is a constant companion on our journey, and today I decide that it is time to explore this darkest and to my mind, most beautiful of cards. I need to explore the endings that come with the death of hope, with the death of love, with the death of self… the potential contained within the silence, when the noise has stopped, when I am ready to see what can happen next.
I rise from my chair in The Hallway of Beginnings and the thick palpable silence that is usually there is broken. I can hear noises, that are growing louder and louder and louder as I walk, and so it is that my journey today begins with a cacophony of screaming voices….. of the silent kind. My head is filled with a frantic breathless angst that jeers remorselessly within the confines of my thoughts, fan-faring me ingloriously up the stairs. It cackles and caterwauls, making a mockery of my pilgrimage, grinding my efforts at understanding beneath its merciless heel, bone dust adrift and helpless upon the four winds. Exhausted by the time I reach the door, I falter, wondering what peace lies beyond, for surely that noise could only cease, cease for a second, a minute… or even perhaps for eternity, if such a thing exists, a rest upon a prayer to carry me comforted beyond the reaches of torment and pain.
It is time, I feel…in this place of death…. in this place of sadness and sorrow that I have inhabited, to enter into that which I fear.. to seek to understand what it is I need to learn… to embrace the fear and the pain in order that I can emerge from this chrysalis, to seek a way through the darkness…to understand the power of the longing that I feel and to find my way home to the light.
What insight will I gain today that will lead me away from the darkness that has been devouring my heart, piece by tiny piece, eclipsing my life until it has lain as but a shadow in the recesses of my mind, exhausted broken and blind.
And so I step into a dim and darkened landscape passing through swathes of navy and indigo silk, that flutters and shudders as I move through the portal into the land of death. I look through the gloom and see that there is a long road ahead of me, a dark ribbon snaking its way through an undefined barren landscape that stretches away to either side into a distance that I cannot see. I know that I need to take a step along this road, to walk along it, but I cannot seem to be able to put one foot in front of the other, and I stand immobilised, unable Ito make any move at all, wondering what I am to do here if I cannot take even a step. I close my eyes and call for Malachi…. call for him to come to me… to help me in the way that he can…. and I begin to hear him talking in my mind, telling me of the burden that I have been carrying, and that it has been taken from me now, and to rest. I open my eyes again and I see that I am actually being carried like a child on the back of a tall robed figure…also understanding that he has carried me before, at other points in my life, for I see an image of him carrying me in his arms like a baby, and again when I was an older child…..and I wonder who it his enigmatic figure is, this man that carries me upon his back through this dark and devouring landscape of stillness and forboding.
We travel along the road for a while together, until I get the awareness that I no longer want to be carried, and that I can stand on my own two feet again. The tall cloaked figure stops, and gently lays me down on the ground tending me like a sick child, and after he has done so, he helps me up and puts me sitting on a nearby rock, and as he does so, I see his face clearly for the first time. He is old, of an age out of time….but with surprisingly smooth skin, and large hooded eyes of a dark gray colour, eyes like beach stones. He has no expression particularly, just a calm intensity that burns out of his steady gaze, and I feel drawn into his eyes as he reaches slowly towards my head, stroking my hair and the side of my face like a yearning lover. His long beautiful fingers slide down my cheeks, and as they do so, they draw tendrils of a smoke coloured substance from my skin, which wraps itself around his hands. He shakes the smoke way from him, and then draws more, gradually working his way down my body, carefully removing, with care, what has been holding me back, what has been holding me in the darkness. Soothing and sensuous, his touch is the touch of the lover I have dreamed of all my life, infinitely gentle and infinitely patient, his touch is the touch of an angel, and he does not hurry, what he does he does from the depth of the love in his soul, unconditional and whole. The process is profoundly sensual, but also in the same manner, detached, and I feel myself coming alive in a strangely erotic way. Life starts to flow into my limbs, reminding me that I have been feeling lifeless… I can feel all the blood vessels in my toes and fingers tingling as the life surges through them once again. When he has finished his healing work, I stand up, and he draws away from me, no smile or emotion crosses his face, no word comes from his lips, just the eternal sense of peace and acceptance that seems to shroud his expression.
I turn and look at the path again, and take the first few tentative steps along the dark road, and as I do so, bursts of colour spread out from the footprints that I am leaving in the dust. The further I walk the more colour erupts into the landscape and the more they fill my vision, denser and louder they grow until I am deafened by the richness of the tapestry that jostles for my attention in the landscape that I walk in now… A vision filled with life and purpose, with vivacity and hope. I look behind me and see him there, Death, following on at some distance, but I see too that he is carrying someone else now, and I see that this process serves a purpose for us at times and that if we can allow ourselves to be cleansed of all that we carry, when it is necessary, then we can walk freely into a land of light if we so choose. He looks at me, in acknowledgement, and carries on with what he is doing, and I carry on too, knowing that all of us may need death to carry us in life from time to time, and that if we listen carefully, that we will know when it is time for him to put us down again. I turn away from death now, and look ahead into the glorious colours of the future, stepping forward into a land full of hope and promise, a life renewed……stepping back through the veil into The Hallway of Beginnings.
Zodiacal Trump of Scorpio
The Child of the Great Transformers
Lord of the Gate of Death
Pluto in Exaltation